Resentment and People-pleasing: the sign that you’re abandoning yourself
You’re exhausted. You’re frustrated. And if you’re really honest, you’re kind of pissed off at everyone around you.
You keep showing up. You keep saying yes when you mean no. You keep doing the things even though it drains you every single time.
And the other people in your life just keep...letting you.
So you tell yourself they don’t care. They take advantage. They’d never do this for you. My needs never matter. I do everything for everyone but nobody ever shows up for me.
And maybe some of that’s true.
But here’s the thing nobody tells you:
That resentment building up in your chest? It’s not a sign that the people around you are assholes or taking advantage of you.
Or that you are somehow someone that just doesn’t deserve to have their needs met.
It’s a receipt. It’s your body keeping score of every time you abandoned yourself.
(I also like to think of it as your inner child letting you know that you aren’t seeing or supporting her)
Here’s what’s actually happening.
You’re assuming it’s easier to just say yes and suffer than it is to say no and disappoint someone. So you say yes. Every time. It FEELS easier, but it’s quite the opposite
You’re assuming the other person doesn’t care, so why even bother communicating what you need. So you don’t. And they don’t know. And nothing changes.
You’re assuming that if you had better boundaries, people would respect them. But you haven’t actually set any. Because you never learned how.
Because nobody showed you that it’s safe to set boundaries.
So you keep giving. They keep taking. And you keep getting more resentful.
But here’s the part that’s going to sting a little:
In most cases? You’re the one making those decisions.
Not them.
You.
And here’s the part that stings even more:
Nobody is taking advantage of you. You’re not someone whose needs don’t matter. You’re not someone who always gets overlooked.
You’re the one not prioritizing your needs. You’re the one making it easy for people to treat you like a resource. And honestly?
A part of you probably feels safer being the resource (for others).
Because at some point, being useful meant being needed.
Being needed meant being safe or worthy.
And if you could just show up for enough people, someone would finally start showing up for you.
Your nervous system learned that early and it’s been running that program ever since.
It’s all very subconscious (not because something is wrong with you).
You are the only person who can interrupt that pattern.
And that’s great news because you can change your entire life without having to change other people.
And if you want relationships where people actually prioritize your needs, you have to go first.
You probably don’t even really know what you need or want because you’re so used to worrying about what other people need and want.
You feel resentful because deep down you believe that your needs don’t matter, or that your needs are an inconvenience, you feel guilty when advocating for yourself.
And the great news is that you can clean all of that up without changing the world.
It’s unfair to expect other people to meet our needs when we haven’t even figured out how to do that yet.
Because if it’s you making those decisions, then you’re the one who can change them.
You don’t need the other people to change. You don’t need to blow up your relationships or become a completely different person.
You don’t need to drop subtle clues and hints.
You don’t have to waste years of your life waiting for people to finally get it.
You just need to find the hole in your boat (aka where your decisions are draining you).
Because right now you’re bailing water as fast as you can while actively poking new holes.
And no amount of people pleasing, over giving, or suffering in silence is going to keep that boat from sinking.
The real work isn’t learning how to manage other people better.
It’s learning how to stop abandoning yourself when you hit friction.
It’s making sure that YOU at least give yourself a seat at the table.
And here’s what I know after being a hard-core people pleaser, being on the receiving end of hard-core people pleasing (the WORST), and coaching people through this for years:
You should feel exhausted.
The exhaustion is letting you know that this isn’t working for you.
…that there’s a better way.
…an easier approach.
It actually takes less energy to stop people pleasing. The process is quite simple, not always fun, but it is simple.
It does feel like shit (in the beginning) because it’s unfamiliar AF.
Human Brain 101. Nothing is wrong with you.
Once you start including yourself in the equation, everything changes.
Not because the people in your life finally get it, or because they changed.
It’s because you stopped leaving yourself out.
YOU started advocating for your needs.
And your needs start getting met.
And the wild thing is my clients are often shocked at how quickly things changed for them.
They couldn’t believe that the people in their lives didn’t freak out, in many cases it STRENGTHENED their relationships with others.
And most importantly, it strengthened their relationship with themselves.
You can keep doing it the way you’ve been doing it, just recognize that it is a choice.
Or you can find out where your hole is so you can patch it.
If you want help figuring that out, I would LOVE to help. I do consultations. You can snag one HERE
You bring me your specific situation and you’ll learn the exact patterns you need to change and the simplest way to do that without blowing up everything you’ve built.
If you’re more of a DIY person, I’m building a workbook that walks you through this day by day. Get on the waitlist and I’ll let you know when it’s ready.
[Join the workbook waitlist — link coming soon]
Either way, the resentment is a gift if you listen to it and learn how to lead yourself differently through it, and that’s my super power.
Frequently asked people-pleaser questions
What is the connection between people pleasing and self abandonment?
People pleasing is self abandonment. Every time you say yes when you mean no, every time you swallow what you actually need to keep someone else comfortable, you’re
leaving yourself behind. You’re choosing everyone else’s experience over your own. That’s not kindness. That’s abandonment wearing a costume.
Why do people pleasers feel resentful?
Because resentment is what happens when you keep giving something you never actually agreed to give. You said yes but you meant no. You showed up but you didn’t
want to. Your body keeps score even when your mouth doesn’t. Resentment is just the receipt.
How do I know if I’m people pleasing or just being kind?
Kindness feels good. It comes from a full place. You do it because you want to, not because you’re afraid of what happens if you don’t.
People pleasing feels like relief mixed with dread. You say yes and immediately feel a little resentful. You do the thing and feel invisible. If there’s an edge of “I have to”
instead of “I want to,” that’s your signal.
Can you stop people pleasing without hurting your relationships?
Yes. And here’s why — the relationships that can’t survive you having needs weren’t actually safe to begin with. The ones that matter? They’ll adjust. Most people aren’t
sitting around hoping you’ll keep abandoning yourself for them. Hell, most of them probably have no clue that you have because most people—pleasers hide that part really well.
What’s the difference between setting boundaries and people pleasing?
A boundary is something you set for yourself based on what you actually need. It’s not about controlling the other person — it’s about knowing what you will and won’t do and
communicating that clearly. People pleasing is doing what someone else wants while secretly hoping they’ll notice you didn’t want to and appreciate you anyway.
They appreciate it, but they usually have effing clue about the internal battle you’re going through.
THAT is what breeds resentment.
Why is it so hard to stop people pleasing even when you know you’re doing it?
Because you learned it young. At some point, making other people comfortable kept you safe. Your nervous system got really good at it.
And nervous systems don’t just update because you read a blog post.
Knowing you do it and actually interrupting the pattern in real time are two completely different skills.
The first one takes about five minutes. The second one takes practice, support, and a lot of catching yourself mid-yes when you meant no.
That’s the work. And it’s worth doing.
Best,
Machele Galloway
Machele is a self leadership coach and founder of New Bitch Energy®. She helps people stop abandoning themselves using their current circumstances as the classroom for learning how to have your own back. Book your consult with her HERE.
